Year 38 – Day 3.

I woke up earlier today than normal. I needed to drive my BFF to his car, which is parked next to the bar. He said he would Uber because he didn’t want to burden me but this was not a burden at all. I was the one that offered. I also know that if the situation was reversed he would drive me to my car. I drop him off and head to work. All I can think about is the date later today! I am excited but also anxious because I haven’t heard from him in a day. I am wondering if it is even happening or if he is ghosting me.

Work is slow and I am looking at my phone all morning waiting to hear from him. I don’t so on my first break I decide to message. If he doesn’t answer, then I will get the hint. I make plans in my head of what to do in case he flakes. I still haven’t finished my to-do list so I wrote down everything else that I need to do before my friend comes to town for the weekend. Lots of things I need to do around the house and also getting a car wash and gas. So if my date doesn’t respond, the night won’t be spent completely wasted.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long hear back from him ! Before my lunch, he responded and the date is still on! The whole day whirls by with me thinking about how the date will go. When I finally get off, traffic is not too bad! The universe is on my side! I get home, check on my plants, and then get ready for my date. He said he liked my style so I opted to wear something a bit more quirky than normal. I take kind of a while to get ready because I couldn’t decide on the final outfit. I spray some cologne and then head out. The GPS tells me I’m going to be late so I speed over there. I find good parking even though this area is known to be busy and having parking issues. The universe wants me to go on this date.

I walk in and scan the room. I see him in the corner already drinking a beer. He had texted me if it was OK if he starts drinking to calm his nerves. I text back yes and he tells me later on in the night that he had already gotten the drink before I had answered. I like his honesty. I signal to him sitting that I was going to get a drink at the bar and he walks up to wait in line with me. We exchange greetings and a little hug. Before I get to the bar, he tells me that he has a tab open and to put my drink on his tab. He is already scoring points with me. I love a generous man that takes care of me so score +5 for J. He looked a lot like his first profile picture. TBH, it was the scariest picture he had on there. He was giving serial killer vibes on it but all his other pictures were cute so I was hoping that he looked more like the others. In person, he wasn’t as scary though. He seemed genuine and kind. I order an IPA and we walk around upstairs but it was full. Downstairs seemed to stuffy and hot so we sat outside at a table. We talked and the conversation seemed like it was flowing. We had some laughs and discussed various first date topics. We later ventured to another table that wasn’t surrounded by a large fence or building walls, that felt a bit more refreshing since we caught the breeze. We talked some more and he said that he was getting hungry so we ordered food from the food truck sitting outside the bar. He ordered so much food that it was almost $200 and that didn’t even include the drinks we had. He was racking up more points with me but I felt bad because he said he was in-between jobs so I felt a little bad but he had planned this staycation and all of a sudden was let go. He said he was going to wait out another week before searching again. He made it seem like it would be easy for him to find something with all his experience and background so I wasn’t worried about him being unemployed for long although that did bring up a red flag at first.

We got the food to-go and I drove back to his place. We had planned to cuddle and watch a scary movie. He poured up some wine and then set up our food. He has two dogs so he went to take them out, and I waited patiently inside vaping and just scanning his apartment. He was 1 bedroom upstair apartment. It was smaller than mine but it was cozy. He wasn’t long and I was in charge of picking the movie. I gave him three options and then he picked one. We started one but it was in a different language so he decided to change it. The second one was in English and more traditional horror movie so we watched that. After eating, we laid to cuddle. His younger puppy dog kept coming in the middle. He eventually put him in the room so we could get a better cuddle. He gave me a little kiss so I turned around and his hands were going everywhere. One hand went up my shorts and he found out that I wasn’t wearing any underwear ha. I put my hand in his shorts and found that he was hard as a rock. A HUGE ROCK. LIKE A FUCKING BOULDER. I mean his dick was really big. I kept stroking it but the whole time was thinking that I didn’t want it in my ass. I mean I did, but I didn’t. I’m not sure if the reader would understand but I wanted to have sex with him but I also didn’t want to ruin my ass to regular dick forever. We are making out and then I start going down on him. I was definitely the biggest dick I have ever been with. After a while, I kinda feel like he doesn’t want to do anything more. I’m not sure why. We continue to watch the movie and I’m getting such mixed signals from him.

Originally when we were coming over to his house, he asked if I wanted to stay but then he was saying that he was getting tired and wants to go to bed. The energy felt different too. I took this as he wanted me to leave so I told him that I was gonna go home. He seemed cold too when I was leaving and didn’t walk me down the stairs to his front door. He tells me to text me when I get home so I did. I didn’t really want to text him because he seemed like he wasn’t interested but ended up just doing it. I didn’t want to seem like I was super into so just put “Home”. His response was super nice and he said that he wanted to hang again so then it seemed like he was interested. I couldn’t figure it out which it was so I brought up how I thought he wanted me to leave. He said I was on a time crunch since I have to wake up early and he wanted to be considerate of my time. At this point, I’m so confused if he likes me or not, and also a little buzzed. I’m going to be positive and say that he does like me.

I fall asleep so fast since it was late and also the little bit of alcohol that is in me.

What do you think? Am I over reacting, over-analyzing? Or is he just not interested in me?

Year 38 – Day 2.

Erhhhh erhhhh erhhhh. The sound of my alarm woke me up. My BFF was here again in the morning spending the night. The one time he doesn’t look so sad is when he’s sleeping. I want him to seek therapy, especially since he has two good friends passing in less than a month. He says he will but he hasn’t actively done anything to seek the help he needs. His friends, family and acquaintances can only do so much. None of us are trained to give him the tools to help cope with this. I need to seek therapy as well. I guess I should be taking my own advice but he needs it more. He was much closer to A than I and I know it will hurt but don’t like to see him like this. I just want him to get better, or at least start the long process of getting better and that can only happen with a trained professional

I got ready and he was sitting out in the living room when I was getting ready. I told him I would drop him off at his car so he waited for me. I made him a breakfast sandwich because I know he hasn’t eaten much in the past few weeks. He eats it while I finish getting ready for work. I drop him off and then go to work. It was a slow day today. I was at my desk a lot doing administrative work than the floor. I couldn’t wait to get home. I have been getting too relaxed on cleaning so wanted to get on that. I didn’t get everything done on my to-do list yesterday so I really wanted to finish the list today.

There was the usual traffic. It takes me anywhere from an hour or a little more than that to get home. I just turn on the music and sing along until I enter my parking garage. Music makes the time go by faster and my Apple Music playlist usually updates once a week so it isn’t exact same all the time and no effort from me is put into it at all. I feel like I have so many things to do in a day and no time to do it so making a playlist is definitely not something I need to put effort into it.

I get home and start cleaning. I focus on the living room area where I spend most of my time. I type my little desk I have that sits next a ton of houseplants that I have become obsessed. I actually think about them all the time and seem to bring back more every week or so. I have been here for a two months and I started with a snake plant that I brought from my last apartment and now I am over thirty. I am also going to repot a lot and separate all the pots that have multiple of the same plant in them and give them their own pot.

My BFF texts me that he is at the local bar and he wants to buy me a drink. I’m pretty sure he is wasted so I agree so that I can take him home. He shouldn’t be driving in that state. I meet him there and it was not as busy as it was on the weekend. I get there and he is definitely pretty wasted. He gets me a drink and we converse for a short time. When we are all done with the drink, I drive us home and he has the drunk munchies. We stop by McDonald’s and he talks about A most of the drive back. It makes me sad thinking about him but I know that it is cathartic for him to vent so I let him.

We get back to my house and hang out at my place for a bit before going to bed. He hasn’t gone back to A’s apartment to sleep in a while. I tell him he is welcome here anytime but I also need my own life as well. I have a date tomorrow so I try to persuade him to do things that he needs to get done instead of going to the bar tomorrow. It will help him a lot by keeping busy instead of drowning his sorrows in alcohol.

I hope my date goes well!