My 38th Year.

I awake on my 38th year in my new(ish) apartment downtown. I moved in about two months prior to my birthday. The faintest glimmer of sunlight shines over the half wall that separates my living room and my bedroom. The alarm goes off to wake me up to get ready for work. I look to my right and there’s my best friend. He had lost his boyfriend 19 days earlier to a random act of violence. I feel like he doesn’t like to be alone and I don’t blame him. I enjoy his company so he has been staying over often since the horrible incident happened. I like being there for him but it hasn’t given me time to process the loss of a good friend to me as well. 

A——— was lost to a brutally random situation, where a crazed man walked into A’s apartment and proceeded to stab him in the face and neck 40-50 times and left. A bled to death and died on his balcony. I heard the news that he died the night he passed. His roommate found him and the roommate’s girlfriend called my best friend/A’s boyfriend and drove to get him to bring him over. Cops were everywhere and he wasn’t let in to see him. I wanted to head over to be there for my BFF and to be there with A too. My BFF told me to stay home because the cops were questioning everyone since it was an active investigation and at the time, no one knew what happened.

When I heard the news of what actually happened to him, it was on my way to work. I cried and contemplated calling out. I couldn’t! I rarely ever call out unless it was medical. I continued to drive but couldn’t stop thinking of him laying on his balcony hoping someone would help him. I beat myself up for not thinking to run over there and check on him when my BFF (his bf) told me that he failed to show up when A was supposed to pick him up at work. He thought A was cheating. I consoled him saying that I’m sure he just fell asleep. Why didn’t I run over to check on him? I live two blocks away. Could I have saved him? Would he be alive if I thought to wander over to wake him for what I thought was a mistimed nap? Would we have been able to take down this guy and stop what would have been A’s death? These thoughts consume me. They still consume to this day. I think about it daily. 

For the past year of their relationship, it had been us three together weekly, if not most days in the week. They would come visit me in my small studio, where I lived before my beautiful loft downtown. He had given me his couch to borrow to make my tiny studio feel like home. I still have it to this day. He helped me find and buy my computer and showed me how to set it up so I can download Windows and play Diablo 4 when it came out. We have a group chat called the Slut Dogs, where it was just us three that we used almost daily. He left his glasses at my house a few days before his untimely passing. Thoughts of him flew through my mind all day. I missed him. But I couldn’t miss him more than his boyfriend. I can only imagine what he’s going through so I stay strong for him. 

I see him sleeping soundly to my right. He had come over the night before after we went out for drinks and I stayed out way longer than I should have for a work night but we were having fun. Sometimes I can’t help myself and want the fun to continue for eternity. I gently get out of bed and shower and prepare for work. He is ready by the time I’m out of the shower and says goodbye and walks back home to where the incident happened. He had to pick up A’s car keys from the police station that day and other errands to run. I make my way to work and it’s a busy day. The highlight of the day is when someone finds out it’s my birthday and everyone in the room tells me happy birthday. A smile forms from my lips. Something that hasn’t happened too often after the incident that took A. Work continues and the day is long even though I am running around all over the place to make sure everything is done. I end up doing overtime which I was expecting due to the volume of work we were getting during the first half of the day. 

Another highlight of the time at work was chatting with a new guy on Hinge on my breaks and lunch. We had been chatting quite often on the days preceding my birthday. We planned to meet on Wednesday and it is something I am looking forward to. I feel lonely at times and just want someone to be mine. His profile says he wants monogamy, which is something I want in a partnership too. He is also looking for a husband, a life partner. Again, this is something I yearn for. I imagine all the positive possibilities with this man I’ve talked with for mere days and have never met. He is cute in a nerdy way, but that is just my type. It takes my thoughts away from the horrors of the incident. It feels refreshing at times. I am a hopeless romantic that is often let down. I’m almost used to it at this point. Nothing ever matches up to what I hope will happen and be my happily ever after. Yet, I keep searching. 

After work, I go home and get ready for a dinner with two coworkers/friends. We have a club where we planned to go to fancy restaurants and dine once a month. We have been twice in god knows how many months ago that we started. We decided to pick it back up and hopefully sustain the momentum from tonight and do it monthly as planned. I wore a white short-sleeve button-up, a black polka dot tie, and green chinos. The place we chose was decorated in an old-fashioned style. It was almost gothic, medieval and romantic at the same time. The lighting was dim and I can’t remember if there was ambient music playing or not. I don’t think there was but I could be wrong. The food was excellent and the drink was strong. There was a cute waiter there that I was eyeballing that had dark brown hair, a handsome face and tattoos on his arms. I stared at him as he rushed around serving and bringing out people’s meals. Eventually, he came to ours to bring our second appetizer. He was just as handsome up close as he was from afar. As soon as I told my coworkers about my crush, an even more stunning man came into view. He was a Hispanic/white mix with bleached blonde hair. I pointed him out to my friends as I salivated over him. The rest of our meal was delicious. At the end, they told me that our waiter whenever he was talking to our table, he would only be looking at me. I thought he was straight so didn’t notice it happening or think he was interested after they told me. They wanted me to put my number on the receipt but I told them I wanted to be able to come back with embarrassment. The night went well and we left shortly after dessert. 

My bestie was waiting for me to text after dinner so that he could come over. He was a little drunk and had forgot my birthday because of all the things that had happened. I didn’t mention but earlier today another of his close friends died from cancer. He rushed to the hospital to be with her for her final day. This friend passed on my birthday and A had died on his sister’s birthday. A weird coincidence. They say it comes in threes but I don’t think he could handle another so soon. Would it be me? I wonder if he would be devastated.

I have one beer left in my fridge. Even though I know he wants it badly, he hands it to me because it’s my birthday. He is a kind, genuine guy at heart. I think I am as well and I share it with him because I know he wants to drink it so badly. It’s hard to stop drinking once you’ve started and he had been at the bars earlier tonight. He declines to drink any of the beer because it’s my birthday drink but I tell him I want him to drink with me for my birthday. He agrees to this and takes some sips. We share the full beer and then head to bed. This wasn’t the best birthday, considering everything that has been going on but we have to think about those that aren’t here and cherish every day. A goal in this next coming year is to live life to the fullest. I wonder what 38 holds for me. 

I will continue to document and see what the future holds. Dirty thirties are coming to a close soon and so will this blog. I have two years to think of the next phase – whore-ty forties? Fancy forties? This is to be determined. Any suggestions?