Year 38 – Day 3.

I woke up earlier today than normal. I needed to drive my BFF to his car, which is parked next to the bar. He said he would Uber because he didn’t want to burden me but this was not a burden at all. I was the one that offered. I also know that if the situation was reversed he would drive me to my car. I drop him off and head to work. All I can think about is the date later today! I am excited but also anxious because I haven’t heard from him in a day. I am wondering if it is even happening or if he is ghosting me.

Work is slow and I am looking at my phone all morning waiting to hear from him. I don’t so on my first break I decide to message. If he doesn’t answer, then I will get the hint. I make plans in my head of what to do in case he flakes. I still haven’t finished my to-do list so I wrote down everything else that I need to do before my friend comes to town for the weekend. Lots of things I need to do around the house and also getting a car wash and gas. So if my date doesn’t respond, the night won’t be spent completely wasted.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long hear back from him ! Before my lunch, he responded and the date is still on! The whole day whirls by with me thinking about how the date will go. When I finally get off, traffic is not too bad! The universe is on my side! I get home, check on my plants, and then get ready for my date. He said he liked my style so I opted to wear something a bit more quirky than normal. I take kind of a while to get ready because I couldn’t decide on the final outfit. I spray some cologne and then head out. The GPS tells me I’m going to be late so I speed over there. I find good parking even though this area is known to be busy and having parking issues. The universe wants me to go on this date.

I walk in and scan the room. I see him in the corner already drinking a beer. He had texted me if it was OK if he starts drinking to calm his nerves. I text back yes and he tells me later on in the night that he had already gotten the drink before I had answered. I like his honesty. I signal to him sitting that I was going to get a drink at the bar and he walks up to wait in line with me. We exchange greetings and a little hug. Before I get to the bar, he tells me that he has a tab open and to put my drink on his tab. He is already scoring points with me. I love a generous man that takes care of me so score +5 for J. He looked a lot like his first profile picture. TBH, it was the scariest picture he had on there. He was giving serial killer vibes on it but all his other pictures were cute so I was hoping that he looked more like the others. In person, he wasn’t as scary though. He seemed genuine and kind. I order an IPA and we walk around upstairs but it was full. Downstairs seemed to stuffy and hot so we sat outside at a table. We talked and the conversation seemed like it was flowing. We had some laughs and discussed various first date topics. We later ventured to another table that wasn’t surrounded by a large fence or building walls, that felt a bit more refreshing since we caught the breeze. We talked some more and he said that he was getting hungry so we ordered food from the food truck sitting outside the bar. He ordered so much food that it was almost $200 and that didn’t even include the drinks we had. He was racking up more points with me but I felt bad because he said he was in-between jobs so I felt a little bad but he had planned this staycation and all of a sudden was let go. He said he was going to wait out another week before searching again. He made it seem like it would be easy for him to find something with all his experience and background so I wasn’t worried about him being unemployed for long although that did bring up a red flag at first.

We got the food to-go and I drove back to his place. We had planned to cuddle and watch a scary movie. He poured up some wine and then set up our food. He has two dogs so he went to take them out, and I waited patiently inside vaping and just scanning his apartment. He was 1 bedroom upstair apartment. It was smaller than mine but it was cozy. He wasn’t long and I was in charge of picking the movie. I gave him three options and then he picked one. We started one but it was in a different language so he decided to change it. The second one was in English and more traditional horror movie so we watched that. After eating, we laid to cuddle. His younger puppy dog kept coming in the middle. He eventually put him in the room so we could get a better cuddle. He gave me a little kiss so I turned around and his hands were going everywhere. One hand went up my shorts and he found out that I wasn’t wearing any underwear ha. I put my hand in his shorts and found that he was hard as a rock. A HUGE ROCK. LIKE A FUCKING BOULDER. I mean his dick was really big. I kept stroking it but the whole time was thinking that I didn’t want it in my ass. I mean I did, but I didn’t. I’m not sure if the reader would understand but I wanted to have sex with him but I also didn’t want to ruin my ass to regular dick forever. We are making out and then I start going down on him. I was definitely the biggest dick I have ever been with. After a while, I kinda feel like he doesn’t want to do anything more. I’m not sure why. We continue to watch the movie and I’m getting such mixed signals from him.

Originally when we were coming over to his house, he asked if I wanted to stay but then he was saying that he was getting tired and wants to go to bed. The energy felt different too. I took this as he wanted me to leave so I told him that I was gonna go home. He seemed cold too when I was leaving and didn’t walk me down the stairs to his front door. He tells me to text me when I get home so I did. I didn’t really want to text him because he seemed like he wasn’t interested but ended up just doing it. I didn’t want to seem like I was super into so just put “Home”. His response was super nice and he said that he wanted to hang again so then it seemed like he was interested. I couldn’t figure it out which it was so I brought up how I thought he wanted me to leave. He said I was on a time crunch since I have to wake up early and he wanted to be considerate of my time. At this point, I’m so confused if he likes me or not, and also a little buzzed. I’m going to be positive and say that he does like me.

I fall asleep so fast since it was late and also the little bit of alcohol that is in me.

What do you think? Am I over reacting, over-analyzing? Or is he just not interested in me?

Year 38 – Day 2.

Erhhhh erhhhh erhhhh. The sound of my alarm woke me up. My BFF was here again in the morning spending the night. The one time he doesn’t look so sad is when he’s sleeping. I want him to seek therapy, especially since he has two good friends passing in less than a month. He says he will but he hasn’t actively done anything to seek the help he needs. His friends, family and acquaintances can only do so much. None of us are trained to give him the tools to help cope with this. I need to seek therapy as well. I guess I should be taking my own advice but he needs it more. He was much closer to A than I and I know it will hurt but don’t like to see him like this. I just want him to get better, or at least start the long process of getting better and that can only happen with a trained professional

I got ready and he was sitting out in the living room when I was getting ready. I told him I would drop him off at his car so he waited for me. I made him a breakfast sandwich because I know he hasn’t eaten much in the past few weeks. He eats it while I finish getting ready for work. I drop him off and then go to work. It was a slow day today. I was at my desk a lot doing administrative work than the floor. I couldn’t wait to get home. I have been getting too relaxed on cleaning so wanted to get on that. I didn’t get everything done on my to-do list yesterday so I really wanted to finish the list today.

There was the usual traffic. It takes me anywhere from an hour or a little more than that to get home. I just turn on the music and sing along until I enter my parking garage. Music makes the time go by faster and my Apple Music playlist usually updates once a week so it isn’t exact same all the time and no effort from me is put into it at all. I feel like I have so many things to do in a day and no time to do it so making a playlist is definitely not something I need to put effort into it.

I get home and start cleaning. I focus on the living room area where I spend most of my time. I type my little desk I have that sits next a ton of houseplants that I have become obsessed. I actually think about them all the time and seem to bring back more every week or so. I have been here for a two months and I started with a snake plant that I brought from my last apartment and now I am over thirty. I am also going to repot a lot and separate all the pots that have multiple of the same plant in them and give them their own pot.

My BFF texts me that he is at the local bar and he wants to buy me a drink. I’m pretty sure he is wasted so I agree so that I can take him home. He shouldn’t be driving in that state. I meet him there and it was not as busy as it was on the weekend. I get there and he is definitely pretty wasted. He gets me a drink and we converse for a short time. When we are all done with the drink, I drive us home and he has the drunk munchies. We stop by McDonald’s and he talks about A most of the drive back. It makes me sad thinking about him but I know that it is cathartic for him to vent so I let him.

We get back to my house and hang out at my place for a bit before going to bed. He hasn’t gone back to A’s apartment to sleep in a while. I tell him he is welcome here anytime but I also need my own life as well. I have a date tomorrow so I try to persuade him to do things that he needs to get done instead of going to the bar tomorrow. It will help him a lot by keeping busy instead of drowning his sorrows in alcohol.

I hope my date goes well!

My 38th Year.

I awake on my 38th year in my new(ish) apartment downtown. I moved in about two months prior to my birthday. The faintest glimmer of sunlight shines over the half wall that separates my living room and my bedroom. The alarm goes off to wake me up to get ready for work. I look to my right and there’s my best friend. He had lost his boyfriend 19 days earlier to a random act of violence. I feel like he doesn’t like to be alone and I don’t blame him. I enjoy his company so he has been staying over often since the horrible incident happened. I like being there for him but it hasn’t given me time to process the loss of a good friend to me as well. 

A——— was lost to a brutally random situation, where a crazed man walked into A’s apartment and proceeded to stab him in the face and neck 40-50 times and left. A bled to death and died on his balcony. I heard the news that he died the night he passed. His roommate found him and the roommate’s girlfriend called my best friend/A’s boyfriend and drove to get him to bring him over. Cops were everywhere and he wasn’t let in to see him. I wanted to head over to be there for my BFF and to be there with A too. My BFF told me to stay home because the cops were questioning everyone since it was an active investigation and at the time, no one knew what happened.

When I heard the news of what actually happened to him, it was on my way to work. I cried and contemplated calling out. I couldn’t! I rarely ever call out unless it was medical. I continued to drive but couldn’t stop thinking of him laying on his balcony hoping someone would help him. I beat myself up for not thinking to run over there and check on him when my BFF (his bf) told me that he failed to show up when A was supposed to pick him up at work. He thought A was cheating. I consoled him saying that I’m sure he just fell asleep. Why didn’t I run over to check on him? I live two blocks away. Could I have saved him? Would he be alive if I thought to wander over to wake him for what I thought was a mistimed nap? Would we have been able to take down this guy and stop what would have been A’s death? These thoughts consume me. They still consume to this day. I think about it daily. 

For the past year of their relationship, it had been us three together weekly, if not most days in the week. They would come visit me in my small studio, where I lived before my beautiful loft downtown. He had given me his couch to borrow to make my tiny studio feel like home. I still have it to this day. He helped me find and buy my computer and showed me how to set it up so I can download Windows and play Diablo 4 when it came out. We have a group chat called the Slut Dogs, where it was just us three that we used almost daily. He left his glasses at my house a few days before his untimely passing. Thoughts of him flew through my mind all day. I missed him. But I couldn’t miss him more than his boyfriend. I can only imagine what he’s going through so I stay strong for him. 

I see him sleeping soundly to my right. He had come over the night before after we went out for drinks and I stayed out way longer than I should have for a work night but we were having fun. Sometimes I can’t help myself and want the fun to continue for eternity. I gently get out of bed and shower and prepare for work. He is ready by the time I’m out of the shower and says goodbye and walks back home to where the incident happened. He had to pick up A’s car keys from the police station that day and other errands to run. I make my way to work and it’s a busy day. The highlight of the day is when someone finds out it’s my birthday and everyone in the room tells me happy birthday. A smile forms from my lips. Something that hasn’t happened too often after the incident that took A. Work continues and the day is long even though I am running around all over the place to make sure everything is done. I end up doing overtime which I was expecting due to the volume of work we were getting during the first half of the day. 

Another highlight of the time at work was chatting with a new guy on Hinge on my breaks and lunch. We had been chatting quite often on the days preceding my birthday. We planned to meet on Wednesday and it is something I am looking forward to. I feel lonely at times and just want someone to be mine. His profile says he wants monogamy, which is something I want in a partnership too. He is also looking for a husband, a life partner. Again, this is something I yearn for. I imagine all the positive possibilities with this man I’ve talked with for mere days and have never met. He is cute in a nerdy way, but that is just my type. It takes my thoughts away from the horrors of the incident. It feels refreshing at times. I am a hopeless romantic that is often let down. I’m almost used to it at this point. Nothing ever matches up to what I hope will happen and be my happily ever after. Yet, I keep searching. 

After work, I go home and get ready for a dinner with two coworkers/friends. We have a club where we planned to go to fancy restaurants and dine once a month. We have been twice in god knows how many months ago that we started. We decided to pick it back up and hopefully sustain the momentum from tonight and do it monthly as planned. I wore a white short-sleeve button-up, a black polka dot tie, and green chinos. The place we chose was decorated in an old-fashioned style. It was almost gothic, medieval and romantic at the same time. The lighting was dim and I can’t remember if there was ambient music playing or not. I don’t think there was but I could be wrong. The food was excellent and the drink was strong. There was a cute waiter there that I was eyeballing that had dark brown hair, a handsome face and tattoos on his arms. I stared at him as he rushed around serving and bringing out people’s meals. Eventually, he came to ours to bring our second appetizer. He was just as handsome up close as he was from afar. As soon as I told my coworkers about my crush, an even more stunning man came into view. He was a Hispanic/white mix with bleached blonde hair. I pointed him out to my friends as I salivated over him. The rest of our meal was delicious. At the end, they told me that our waiter whenever he was talking to our table, he would only be looking at me. I thought he was straight so didn’t notice it happening or think he was interested after they told me. They wanted me to put my number on the receipt but I told them I wanted to be able to come back with embarrassment. The night went well and we left shortly after dessert. 

My bestie was waiting for me to text after dinner so that he could come over. He was a little drunk and had forgot my birthday because of all the things that had happened. I didn’t mention but earlier today another of his close friends died from cancer. He rushed to the hospital to be with her for her final day. This friend passed on my birthday and A had died on his sister’s birthday. A weird coincidence. They say it comes in threes but I don’t think he could handle another so soon. Would it be me? I wonder if he would be devastated.

I have one beer left in my fridge. Even though I know he wants it badly, he hands it to me because it’s my birthday. He is a kind, genuine guy at heart. I think I am as well and I share it with him because I know he wants to drink it so badly. It’s hard to stop drinking once you’ve started and he had been at the bars earlier tonight. He declines to drink any of the beer because it’s my birthday drink but I tell him I want him to drink with me for my birthday. He agrees to this and takes some sips. We share the full beer and then head to bed. This wasn’t the best birthday, considering everything that has been going on but we have to think about those that aren’t here and cherish every day. A goal in this next coming year is to live life to the fullest. I wonder what 38 holds for me. 

I will continue to document and see what the future holds. Dirty thirties are coming to a close soon and so will this blog. I have two years to think of the next phase – whore-ty forties? Fancy forties? This is to be determined. Any suggestions?

Current Status.

– Still single. The guy I went on a few dates with states he’s too busy at the moment to date *insert eyeroll* and then a week later wanted to hang out and gave me specific days and times when he’s not busy. Hmmm 🤔 Anyways, I’m over that one. We never got to hook up which I still want to do so if he hits me up to hang, I’m going to push for just an hook up instead of a date.

– I am loving my work. I’m feeling more confident in what I’m doing there. I feel there will be growth in the company for me. I’m excited to see where things will go.

– It’s finally summer so I need to kick into gear “hot girl summer”. I went on a 10 mile walk today and I need to work on diet. I want to look good for my birthday this year and I have plenty of time to do this! I just need to stick to it and I should be able to achieve this goal! Fingers crossed to lose some weight and be a weight I haven’t been in a few years.

– I have weekends off now so my weekends have been pretty exciting. Lots of going out and travelled a bit last weekend. I have been drinking more so I’m wondering if that’s something I want to lay off for a few weekends or continue because it can be fun. The only negative would be the next day is a waste. I’m usually hungover and stay the whole day in bed, watch tv and order food for delivery. It usually gets me off track with my exercise routine too so stopping drinking would be pretty beneficial for my fitness and weight loss goals.

– I need to start figuring out finances with the COVID halt on student loans ending soon, I need to figure out how much all my bills will be, what I can cut out of my expenses, how much I can save, how much I have to invest, and future planning for retirement.

– I want to keep my knowledge that I received in school. The farther it’s been since graduation, the more I feel I’m losing in areas I don’t use much at my current workplace. Studying more daily will be a goal for me to keep my knowledge intact.

– I want to get back to blogging!

Potential.

Just a quick post from my phone but I met a cute guy, and we went on a first date a few days ago and went on a walk yesterday with dinner after so maybe a second date? It was really cute though so wondering what that will turn into but no expectations so I don’t get let down if it doesn’t happen.

Vegas.

I went to Vegas for my friend’s birthday. There was a varying group of about 7-10 depending on the day. It was pretty amazing and fun, though. It was a short weekend trip but it seems like we did a lot. The first night we got in, we went to dinner at the Cosmopolitan hotel. The vibe of the restaurant was very loungy with dim lighting and good cocktails. After that, some people were still hungry so we went to White Castle, which I have never had fresh before. As a kid, they sold them prepacked and frozen where you just microwave them and eat. They taste a million times better fresh. There was such a long line that was apparently due to COVID and people not wanting to come to work. We seemed to wait so long and before we were out, they already closed out the line because they didn’t have enough staff to continue.

Cleared.

My background check has finally cleared! I will be starting both jobs next week. I will have orientation at the main job on Monday and will be working three times a week there. And will be supplementing with the other job for 1-3 days a week after I finish the online training! I am so happy and ready to start after having about two weeks off in-between jobs!

Shopping.

I have a trip to Vegas for a friend’s birthday this weekend. I met up with a friend at a bar/restaurant for a quick drink before we go shopping. I wanted to get some outfits to wear in Vegas and he wanted to look for some shoes and some new clothes as well.

I met him at a local popular bar/restaurant and ordered a vodka tonic, my usual order. We sat at the bar and there was a lady leaving around the bar corner to my right. I just happened to glance over as she was putting away her food and she was smiling and I smiled back. She asked if she could interview us for her Youtube channel. It ended up not happening but she got some clips of us for her channel anyways so catch me on Youtube! She then got me and my friend a drink before she left. She seemed super sweet and bubbly.

Orientation.

I had orientation yesterday for one job! It was just watching a presentation, a video and filling out all the appropriate paperwork for employment. They followed all COVID protocol, with limited occupancy in a spacious room, masks required, and temperature checks. There was a bit of traffic so I arrived to the building either right on time or a minute late. I enter the lobby and there was maybe about 20 people there waiting to be let in. Fortunately for me, the people hosting orientation were a few minutes later than me.

I look around and ask the nearest lady if I was in the right spot. She said she was there for orientation too. I scan the room for a sign in sheet, but didn’t see one so just find an empty spot to stand and wait. I glance at everyone in the room and spot a cutie to my right. I had actually seen him on the day I got my TB test — if I heard correctly, he was getting a physical. What I would do to be a fly on the wall in that room… >:) Anyways, I give him the up and down and see that he has a tattoo similar to me. Maybe it will be an ice breaker to start a chat with him later. I keep that in my back pocket for later.

Wild Weekend.

My friends from LA came down for the weekend to visit their friend that was in town but leaving. They invited me to join along this weekend and it was a weekend to remember. I don’t think you can get 10 gays in one room and there not be a wild, crazy night.

I don’t think I want to even type what happened. It will only exist in our memories and on some people’s phone storage… LMFAO